Food For Thought
by Listy
Summary: A little Shep Whump fic about his physical and emotional recovery after being rescued.


I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of the characters (shame), this is just purely for fun.

_This is only my second stab at fic writing. I am only learning, so any const.crit is welcomed. I will never be good at this if I don't learn what I am doing wrong :-)_

_Many Thanks go to my Beta Lauriel for the wonderful advice and putting up with my endless questions. I take full responsibility for any mistakes. I am not medically trained so anything along those lines may not be accurate._

_This is a Shep Whump story. _

**Food For Thought**

John lay in the infirmary; it had been a week since their return from the planet, he had been half starved when his team had managed to finally rescue him. He was so weak and disorientated, but he still had the presence of mind to refuse the attempts the medical staff and his friends made to coax him into eating.

On the planet it had been drummed into him to the point of brain washing that if he consumed food without the permission of his captors he would be punished. He had been forced to endure this lesson too many times; made to drink the sticky vile liquid that would make him excrete in violent waves of vomiting everything that had passed his lips. He remembered the lessons all to well - the pain and the rawness of his body after every attempt to defy his captors. They had used food as a weapon to control and torture, forcing the half starved prisoners to sit and look at food for hours before being given permission to eat. John had tried at first to just not eat at all, he didn't want to give his captors control, but eventually had become so hungry he had eaten without permission and suffered his first lesson. After several further lessons he could no longer take the pain of the endless viscous cycle of eating and vomiting and had been forced to comply.

Even on Atlantis the lesson stood strong, he couldn't take the pain any more. His colleagues and friends didn't understand; he knew deep down he was safe, but he was irrational from the torture and lack of nutrition he had endured. If he ate he would suffer the consequences - his captors would know.

"Carson, have you made any progress?" Elizabeth entered Carson's office with confidence and determination, but her mind was elsewhere and her gaze strayed to the bed of her military CO. He looked so frail.

"No lass, and I'm running out of time and ideas. If he continues to refuse I'll have no choice, I'll have to insert an NG Tube, which will mean we are effectively force feeding him." Carson was flat, he really didn't have a choice but he also knew how much John would hate using this last resort. Both Carson and Kate had tried working with John but he wouldn't let anyone in, least of all Kate. He would just fix his stare on to some point in the room and allow his mind to wander away and leave the infirmary not returning until Kate had given up.

Elizabeth didn't see any other option, every member of the team had tried to talk to John to get him to eat or drink something other than water but to no avail. The Colonel was fading and although she couldn't bear the thought of seeing the Colonel so weak, the thought of an NG tube was worse.

Elizabeth left Carson's office and quietly walked to the side of John's bed. He was facing away from her, his stare fixed on a spot on the far wall. She wished she knew what he was thinking right now, could find some way to get through to him that he was safe and that they would not allow anyone to hurt him. She touched his arm, but drew back quickly as John jumped and flinched in fear; his head snapped round quickly, face momentarily filled with fear until he realised it was Elizabeth and not one of his captors. She smiled warmly as she settled into the comfortable chair next to his bed.

"John, how are you feeling?" she wasn't expecting a response; on her previous visits he had just stared blankly at her.

"Tired" came the whispered response as his eyes flickered shut for a moment, the exertion from his moment of panic taking far too much from him. Elizabeth's smile widened - this to her was progress; he had responded to her.

Carson came to stand by Elizabeth holding a mug of broth with a reproachful look on his face, he wasn't holding out much hope. Elizabeth inwardly hoped that maybe this time they would make progress. John looked at him fear welling up in his eyes - he was too weak to resist. Would they force him to take it? He wouldn't swallow, they couldn't make him. He began to panic; fidgeting in his bed, looking wildly for any escape, but the exertion sapped the last of his strength and he spiraled into unconsciousness.

Elizabeth looked horrified. She had heard the reports of the Colonel's condition but witnessing first hand the panic and fear just from the sight of food was more that she could stand. A tear slipped down her cheek as she watched Carson discard the mug and fuss over John checking the monitor's and numerous IV's.

John looked like a helpless child. His normally tanned skin was porcelain white, exacerbated by the mass of his unruly dark hair. She inwardly scolded herself; John would not want to be seen as helpless. Her whole demeanor was sad and deflated, knowing the inevitability of the NG tube made her want to cry. The thought of seeing John in such a fragile state was more than she ever wanted to see. He was such a strong independent person; this would surely make him feel utterly useless. She was brought back to reality by Carson quietly talking to John's still form.

"I'm sorry son." Carson whispered. "I've no other choice. I can't stand by and let you do this to yourself." He stepped away turning to a waiting nurse, asking her to prepare the Colonel and the necessary equipment to complete the procedure. Carson felt utterly defeated. John would not want this.

oOo

Elizabeth perched on the edge of an empty bed, staring at the privacy screens that had been placed around the Colonel to preserve a little of his dignity. It would not bode well for some unknowing person to wander into the infirmary only to see their Commanding Officer being put through the procedure of inserting a tube that effectively force fed him and took away any control he had left over his life. She wiped away another stray tear, forcing self composure. They were doing the right thing - better to see John like this than dead.

It was a relatively swift procedure and she did not have to wait for long before the screens were pulled back. Nimbly hopping off the bed and heading over to the bed occupied by John she could see that John was still unconscious, although she wasn't sure if this was from his earlier panic attack or due to sedation. All of the previous wires, IV's and machinery were still attached, and her eyes were drawn to the new tube protruding from John's nose and taped to his cheek. The tube made his gaunt appearance all the more real. She settled herself back into the chair prepared to wait as long as necessary. When John woke up she would be there - both hope and dread swam around in her mind; she knew this would not be easy.

As John began to stir, Elizabeth abandoned the report she had been reading and called out to Carson. Standing and grasping John's hand she quietly encouraged him to open his eyes. John's eyes fluttered open as Carson arrived. Carson smiled kindly at John while checking his pulse rate and shining his pen light into each of John's heavily lidded eyes.

John was confused, he felt so tired. Something was different form the last time he was awake, but he couldn't determine what. He winced as he remembered the most recent incident, which had caused him to pass out. Something pulled on his face, and he lifted his arm to probe the area, not registering what had obviously occurred. His hand glanced something attached to his cheek and the slow realisation of what Carson had done washed over him.

He tried to grab at the tube to pull it; they would know, he would be punished. Carson was supposed to be a healer. He took an oath to do no harm - he wasn't supposed to willingly assist in causing the inevitable pain of punishment. He was supposed to be his friend. John just couldn't understand why they insisted on wanting to hurt him.

Strong hands grabbed his weak arms preventing him from getting rid of his tube and he didn't have the strength to struggle for long. As he heard Carson call to a nurse to bring the soft restraints he resigned himself to defeat. Looking into Carson's apologetic eyes, all he could whisper as tears rolled down his cheeks was one pitiful word.

"Why?"

"I'm sorry, son. Its for your own good." Carson and the nurse swiftly secured the soft restraints to the bed rails. All Elizabeth could do was watch, struck dumb by the pure agony of the situation. What they had done, with every good intention, was no better than what John's captors had put him through. They had taken away his control.

Rodney arrived back from the mainland, heading straight to check on his friend. He entered the infirmary and wandered over to John's bed, hoping he would be awake and making progress. He stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes registered first the restraints and then the NG tube. Anger rose up like a wave of heat.

"Carson!" He shouted, searching out his target. "What the hell have you done?"

Carson came from his office, he had been expecting this. He hadn't told Rodney of this latest set back, knowing exactly how he would react. Upon reflection, maybe he should have broached the subject but hindsight is a wonderful thing. He held his hands up to the approaching scientist.

"It was necessary Rodney. I didn't have a choice. I am sorry we have had to resort to this, but I won't apologise for preventing the meaningless death of someone I care about." Carson's words were a little harsher than he would have liked but he needed to put Rodney straight before he exploded into a full on tirade about morality and friendship.

Rodney's mouth opened and closed, resembling that of a fish, and words failed him as he processed Carson's statement. He momentarily regained his composure.

"Why the restraints? Are they really necessary? He's too weak to even sit up."

"If they were unnecessary Rodney, they would not be there. The Colonel tried to remove the tube. He would have hurt himself and I would have had to redo the procedure anyway. He would have gained nothing."

Rodney moved to John's side, placing his hand on his shoulder and noting the absence of the usual flinch. John didn't react at all, he just continued to stare at the wall. Rodney felt his insides crumble. John looked completely defeated, and he didn't know what he could say or do to help. He knew Carson's actions were justified, but the urge remained just the same to remove both the restraints and the tube, and allow his friend control of his own journey.

He had heard from John's cellmate of the torture and the fact that food had been used as a method of control. He had mistakenly thought that John would be quick to bounce back form his experience, his stubbornness and stoicism holding firm and his unending determination to remain in control preventing anyone from penetrating his armour. Sure, maybe a few session with Kate; John would protest but would eventually benefit from them. But the John Sheppard he saw here had none of those qualities; it was like looking at a shadow. John looked fragile, as if the slightest touch and he would shatter into a million pieces - but worst of all he looked defeated, like he had actually given up. Rodney was numb; he sat in the chair and just watched as the Colonel lay statue still, unmoving, waiting for something.

John lay there - he knew they would come soon. He was powerless to stop the nutrients entering his body. He was powerless to do anything - fastened to the bed and too weak to do much other than just lie there and wait for the captors to arrive. His mind and body vibrated with tension and it was wearing him out. He couldn't understand why they had not come for him yet. It felt like he had been lying there waiting for an eternity. Exhaustion finally won out and he dozed off, expecting to be woken by pain. The pain never came.

oOo

John awoke bathed in bright sunshine. He made to move his arm only to feel the tug of the restraints; awareness coming back to him quickly. He looked around but what he sought was not there. He lay still, working hard to put his jumbled thoughts into some kind of order. The captors had not come, he had not been punished. He noticed a feeling of comfort and safety washing over him - he was safe in Atlantis; they could not reach him here. He puzzled over why he had not realised this earlier. It was ridiculous how real the panic had felt; it had been hard to distinguish it against anything else. He knew he was going to be in for some serious sessions with Kate; the thought of that was enough to make him feel nauseous.

Carson headed over to John's bed on seeing the restrained movement of John's arm. John had slept for over fourteen hours, which Carson was pleased about. It had given his body chance to begin to heal and also given the nursing staff the opportunity to ensure John had received much needed nutrition with the aid of the NG tube.

"How are you feeling today Colonel?" Carson enquired reproachfully.

John just scowled at Carson, snorted and looked away. Carson moved around the bed to look John in the eyes. John refused to make eye contact, unwilling to listen to anything Carson had to say. Carson persisted.

John looked at Carson, the feelings of betrayal and anger re-appeared with the arrival of the medic.

"I'm sorry John, but you left me with no other option. You would have died. I couldn't keep you alive with just a handful of IV's. You are not only my patient but my friend and I couldn't sit back and watch you give up." John's eyes narrowed.

"I didn't give up." he spat back.

"That's not how it looked son. You wouldn't eat. If you hadn't given up, then what was it? I don't understand why you refused?"

"They would have come. They always come. You wanted them to punish me." The words came out of John's mouth before he could stop himself. He laughed out loud at how irrational it sounded but he had truly believed this.

Realisation dawned on Carson's face. he'd read the mission report, the full accounts of what had gone on, information given to the rescue team by other liberated prisoners who had been held on the planet.

"You thought the people who held you prisoner would come here?" He asked incredulously.

John realised how stupid that sounded; knew the sad look in his eyes betrayed the truth to Carson.

"Carson...can you take these off?" John gestured to his restraints. He felt helpless and completely out of control, without the restraints at least he would regain a little control.

"Well, that depends on you now Colonel. The restraints are there purely to stop you from hurting yourself and removing the NG tube, which right now you need. If you promise to leave the tube alone then yes, I can remove the restraints. But be warned, if you try to remove it you will be back in restraints until you recover. The NG tube stays for now, okay?"

John hated that Carson knew him enough to see what he would do. It was very likely that he would have tried to remove the tube once Carson's back was turned, but he decided to pick his battles and nodded his agreement to the terms.

Carson removed the restraints and John stretched his body like a cat waking from a long sleep. He still felt really weak and tired, but the NG tube was obviously doing its job. He resisted the urge to pull at it and settled into the pillows; he had been awake for less than half an hour and he was already exhausted. He closed his eyes, intending just to rest for a second.

When he opened his eyes again, the lights in the infirmary where dimmed, he had obviously been out for sometime. He looked to the side expecting to see an empty chair only to be faced with his entire team squashed into the small space, chatting away quietly. Teyla looked over at John and smiled.

"You look better." she observed.

John grinned, he did feel better, but to his disappointment he still had the NG tube. On the bright side he now only had one IV line into his left hand.

"Well it's about time." Rodney's bedside manner hadn't improved. Ronon nudged him in the side grinning.

"Ow..what?. Like you weren't thinking the same thing - we have been waiting hours."

John saw Rodney's eyes flash to the NG tube and was conscious of how pathetic and weak he must look. He turned his head to compose himself and also to block the view of the tube from his friends. Teyla saw this reaction for what it was and she held John's arm.

"You must not feel bad John, the tube is necessary. You have been very ill and it will help you to grow strong; it will be removed soon and you will feel better." she smiled reassuringly.

Rodney realised that his brief lack of concentration had made John feel uncomfortable.

"Personally I think it's a bonus, being able to just lie here, and do nothing. I would find it quite therapeutic."

"Ha...but I'm not you Rodney. I can't just lie here, I feel suffocated." John's honesty surprised his team and within no time they where hatching an escape plan, if only for a little while and only once John was well enough to be removed from the NG tube. Carson would murder them all if they risked a break out while John was still so weak.

John scrubbed at his eyes and looked around. He wanted to speak to Carson - maybe if he promised to eat he would remove the tube now. As if on cue Carson ambled over to the group and scowled.

"I thought I told you only one of you could stay and only for half an hour." Carson had known on giving the order he was fighting a losing battle. But John had needed his rest and if they had disturbed him he would have found the big pointy needles he used to threaten unruly patients with and actually used them.

"Hey Doc." Sheppard tried to sound off beat and rational, but his voice came out tired and raspy.

"How are you feeling Colonel?" Carson efficiently completed his normal checks, right down to the annoying penlight.

"I'm good." came John's usual reply. Carson eyed him suspiciously.

"Really Doc, I'm good. How about you remove the NG tube? I'm doing better now, I'll eat." John tried hard not to sound like a whiny kid.

Carson wasn't completely convinced. In the back of his mind, he couldn't help but think that maybe the Colonel wanted the tube removed because he still thought the people who held him prisoner would return. He thought about calling Kate to ask her to come and talk to the Colonel before he made the decision, but the pleading look from John won out and he found himself agreeing.

"On the condition that you do eat. If you refuse, then the tube goes back in, Colonel."

Carson ushered the group out, and the privacy screens where again in place. The team waited patiently to be allowed back into see their friend. Happy that he was making such good progress so soon after they had been so worried he wouldn't make it. They couldn't help but see that he still had a slightly haunted look in his eyes. Although he was physically on the road to recovery, emotionally it would be a long journey.

The screens were removed and the team returned to see their CO lightly dozing; the procedure taking what little energy he had. Seeing John free from the NG tube was comforting. Although still very pale, he looked less like a corpse now. As he lay there with an expression of peacefulness on his face, his team knew he would be fine, and back in trouble soon enough.


End file.
